A Touch-y Subject

One of the first lines of the play The Vagina Monologues, which continues to raise money to stop violence against women, is "I'm worried about Vaginas." Truth be told, I'm not as worried about vaginas these days. I am worried about hearts. I'm worried about hearts in frozen, untouched bodies. I'm worried that platonic touch is becoming obsolete.

Two Sundays ago I hunkered down with the New York Times -- which is always a set-up for upset. Two articles in particular disturbed me. One was about single women who are having babies by themselves, and the other was about long-distance Dads who spend time with their children via webcam. Now I love the idea of women not waiting for the right man to come along in order to go ahead with their desire to give birth and nurture and love, although it makes me sad that in some ways the split between men and women is growing (and that's a topic for another newsletter.) And I think webcams offer new and exciting ways of staying connected -- I am even contemplating investing in one for my long-distance clients. What worries me is how the human encounter is becoming disposable. We don't have to touch each other to procreate anymore. We don't have to hug or even sit next to our kids to bond with them. What kind of effect is this technological distance creating? I wonder.

The subject of touch has become so loaded these days. Most of us have a mix of pleasant and disturbing memories regarding touch, and some have encountered violent and traumatic touch. However, it's as if the whole U.S. mainland society is in a Post Traumatic Stress reaction to it. We aren't quite sure how to handle it. In general, men are afraid to hug each other, and when most women hug, they completely leave the lower halves of their bodies out of the picture, only their necks and collar bones touch. Of course I am not speaking about everybody here, just generally . . . but it is sad that something so natural is often fraught with so much anxiety.

There seem to be four categories of touch: Good Touch (between people who have verbally or non-verbally agreed that touch is OK), Bad Touch (there are many obvious examples but it tends to have an invasive, unrequested quality to it), Appropriate Touch (cheek kisses, handshakes, yoga adjustments after the teacher has politely asked if its okay) and Ambiguous Touch (for which no predetermined behavior or social norm has been established and therefore involves the risk of being good or bad-- a hand reaching across the table on a first date, standing next to someone on the subway). We won't get into Completely F--ked-up Touch in this newsletter, which has effected many men and women. Since March was women's history month, some V-Day productions of an updated "The Vagina Monologues" (www.vday.org) are still playing into April. Seeing one benefits grassroots organizations that support women victims of violence.

Notwithstanding the amount of consideration and care that accompanies the "good" types of touch, it is essential for our growth. Touch provides a way to feel and therefore experience our own bodies. Another's physical embrace can teach us how to hold ourselves. Touch connects us to each other in a very powerful way, and is a reminder that we are not alone. Take this excerpt from a St. Alexius pediatric newsletter:

"As a child becomes increasingly active and independent, the need for touch remains. Playful stimulation such as bear hugs, tickle-fests, "this little piggy" and "eensie, weensie spider" crawls provide a wealth of information to the brain. Researchers believe it helps to improve coordination, balance and self-esteem. Of course, it also helps to reinforce the bond between parent and child and it's fun."

Do we really grow out of our need for touch? This month, let's reclaim it! How do we diminish the fear of touch? Reach out and touch someone . . . .literally, and appropriately, of course!

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