Habit

When I was a teenager, when you could still smoke in restaurants, I studied acting at a Summer Stock program with the soon to be famous actress Mary McDonnell. I worshipped her and thought she was the sexiest, wisest, most humble and talented woman on earth. In the mornings when I had to be up early for some lame apprentice task, I saw her fiercely jogging (what discipline working actresses must have!) around the lake. In class, she gave her profound and powerful feedback while alternately chewing on straws and smoking incessantly, leaving soda cans full of ashes and empty packs scattered around her feet. How cool.

By the fall class, Mary and her then new husband Randle had had time to settle into married living. On the first day back she announced that she quit smoking. I was very impressed and secretly disappointed, because by then I smoked and felt validated by her smoking. Mary shared how quitting had changed her: How she found herself talking on the phone and without smoking, she could really hear what her friend was saying, she was in the moment and in the conversation, without the smoke clouding her experience. I thought that was the deepest thing I'd ever heard. During a class break, a woman in the class tapped Mary on the shoulder and asked, "How did you do it?" She replied, "I had the support. It was Randle. I couldn't have done it without him."

That memory stands out for me as a profound lesson about habits, our relationship to them and the right circumstances for breaking them. Habits. Isn't it interesting that some religious uniforms (e.g. nun's robes) are called habits, whereas the behavioral types of habits (e.g. smoking) have such an unG-dly reputation? After cultivating knowledge of my own behavioral habits for years, I've made a connection between the two habits that potentially goes beyond their linguistic link. Habits, those behaviors we repeat automatically, like some uniforms, cloak an originality, spontaneity and aliveness that is our nature.

Of course there are habits we have worked hard to create that are beneficial and serve to promote our best selves. These are not the habits I am referring to in this update. From obvious unappealing habits such as vices, addictions and nail biting to more subtle ones such as interrupting, passive agressivity or negative thinking, these iron shirts restrict our freedom and spontaneity, as our authentic responses to the world become crusted over with predictable ones. However, if we devote time to bringing awareness to them, to studying and transforming them, habits can turn us all into "nuns" and "Marys" if we invite them as amazing spiritual teachers, blessing us with lessons of patience, tolerance, openness to help, and acceptance.

When do we choose to address habits and take on the sometimes tedious and painful task of shifting them? Especially when the more one moves towards clarity and authenticity, the more aware one becomes of how many one has? Since habits occur syntonically, that is, without thought, which makes them elusive and seemingly impossible to break, how do we become aware of the ones that haven't been determined by the surgeon general as harmful, but might be to us in other ways?

It can be hard to know which habits to address, and with which ones to peacefully co-exist. If a habit is harmful to your physical or emotional health, it is worth breaking. Other than that, deep down, you know what freedom you desire and what habits potentially keep you from it. Oftentimes we are in love with our habits, which adds to the difficulty of letting them go. It is easy to see the love affair in a habit like smoking, where there is some enjoyment, lots of accoutrements -- ashtrays, lighters, etc., and the ways that smoking becomes part of one's character, including the internal drama of hating oneself for smoking and trying to quit. It is harder to see the love affair in the habit of depression, where the shame and struggle with it can mask a true and deep attachment to it.

As Mary suggested, support is essential in the task of shifting habits. Employing a trained psychotherapist or coach for understanding the emotional or psychological triggers for these patterns can serve to help you find compassion for them, but in some circumstances this understanding is not enough to change the behavior. Ongoing support, structure, patience, concerted effort and practice are needed.

You know you are truly in the process of breaking a habit when it feels like something is ripping inside you, as you build an inner muscle to restrain the pull towards the familiar. I have been working with the Alexander Technique to help me release habits of holding tension that restrict my range of motion and used to keep me visiting the chiropractor frequently. In order to employ the technique, it is useful to slow down, pause and think before diving into action. Who knew that the simple act of taking a pause could feel like so much work? Although sometimes I feel that my thirty something-year-old patterns of motion are too ingrained to ever shift, it helps me to keep in mind the theory of momentum. Little by little you bring your attention to the correction. If it is consistent and loving, the momentum builds enough to create a critical mass of energy, and in this critical mass the habit begins to shift and in some cases eventually evaporates.

Use the suggestions below to contemplate your relationship to habit. The health, self-respect and freedom awaiting you on the other side is worth it. Although I always thought she was radiant, as a non-smoker, Mary really glowed.

home | bio | individuals | groups
articles | ask blair
sexuality and embodiment|links